Sleeping Babies

Eleven years ago, my first son was born. Though his birth was far from ideal, the moment I was able to hold him I fell instantly and deeply in love. I was young and I had no internet; I read useless books like What to Expect When you're Expecting. I selected the pediatrician that my husband, his siblings, and his niece all went to and I thought that he had all the answers.

Despite this, I managed to breastfeed him with success,although not long enough, and I held him when he needed me which was far more often than I had expected. I was criticized for holding him too much, but I couldn't see the harm in it and I am glad that I listened to my instinct.

There came a time however that I didn't listen to that nagging voice, I listened to the Dr. and I listened to the mothers around me who seemed so much older and wiser than I. They all told me the same thing, "He should be sleeping through the night by now. It is okay for babies to cry sometimes."

So, with our next well visit looming ahead, I did what felt so very wrong to me: I put him in his crib, closed the door, and sat in the other room and cried. He cried for a very long time. It was agonizing for me, but I can only imagine that it was that much more agonizing for him.

Many years later I read Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost in which she describes a baby waking in the night and not responded to:
“He awakes in a mindless terror of the silence, the motionlessness. He screams. He is afire from head to foot with want, with desire, with intolerable impatience. He gasps for breath and screams until his head is filled and throbbing with the sound. He screams until his chest aches, until his throat is sore. He can bear the pain no more and his sobs weaken and subside. He listens. He opens and closes his fists. He rolls his head from side to side. Nothing helps. It is unbearable. He begins to cry again, but it is too much for his strained throat; he soon stops. He waves his hands and kicks his feet. He stops, able to suffer, unable to think, unable to hope. Then he falls asleep again.”

No, my son does not appear mentally scarred from being left to cry in his crib and yes, so many of us had the same experience as babies ourselves, but does that make it alright?

Babies are born with the instinct to attach to their mothers. It is a biological necessity for survival. When we try to break them from that, we are going against nature. Children become less dependent on their mother as they grow and it can be bittersweet. There is no need to force their independence, in fact, Dr. Sears states: "Attachment parenting actually encourages the right balance between dependence and independence. Because the connected child trusts his parents to help him feel safe, he is more likely to feel secure exploring his environment. In fact, studies have shown that toddlers who have a secure attachment to their mother tend to adapt easier to new play situations and play more independently than less attached toddlers."


Seven years later, I had another child. This time I was armed with books on attachment parenting, articles, message boards, and the confidence of a second time parent.This child slept with me from the start. When he was tired I would lie with him and nurse him to sleep, when he woke in the night, I would pull him close and nurse him back to sleep. No, he did not sleep through the night at 6 mos, but then again, I am in my 30s and I do not sleep through the night. Nor do I sleep alone. Why should my son be expected to? He is now a confident, independent 4 year old. He moved into his own bed two years ago with no fuss, just excitement. Last night after getting on pjs and having his teeth brushed, he announced, "I can put myself to bed." I asked him if he would like me to read him a story and he decided that would be okay.

Looking back, I don't regret a single moment I cuddled that boy at night, but I deeply regret letting my oldest cry in his crib.

My youngest babe is now 6 mos old. He doesn't sleep through the night either, and for reasons I've posted earlier, does not nurse, but takes my milk in a bottle. He still sleeps with me and I still parent him to sleep, either by rocking or by lying down with him. I know someday in the not too distant future he will want to be a "big boy" and sleep in his own bed and my husband and I will miss having him in our bed or the quiet moments feeding him inthe night. And before you know it, he'll be 11 and I'll be saying "Good night, don't stay up too late," as I head to bed myself.

This is one of my favorite articles on reasons for not crying it out.

For good ideas for alternatives to crying to sleep, Elizabeth Pantley and Dr. Sears both have excellent books on the topic.

If only one person had told me to go with my instincts and that it was okay to parent my baby at night as well as during the day, I would have never let him cry like that. So I'm telling anyone who is reading this, "It's okay, really. They will not need you to help them to sleep forever. Do what feels right for you AND your baby."